i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
