dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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