nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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