Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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