420 ftw
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
