there's paper in my vomit.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize