nut hugger
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
