I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Randomize
