I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
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