I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
