To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Randomize
