So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
