Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
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