My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
