There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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