I'm eating all of the evidence.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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