I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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