I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
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