Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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