Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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