this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
