You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
