God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
