Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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