i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
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