I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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