I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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