Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
