the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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