You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
