I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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