Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Randomize
