The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
