I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
