A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Shame - the story of my life.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
