zippers are such a cool invention
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
It was a blind-side dick pic.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
