Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I intend to get homeless drunk
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
