i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
