i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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