the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
