a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
