the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
