well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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