We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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