One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Everyone says I win the strip club
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
