Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
