I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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