If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Terrible idea I love it
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
