I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
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