hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
