I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
