Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Randomize
