When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Holy shit dude........stairs
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
