I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
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