Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Randomize