Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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