I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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