Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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