He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
